i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
