idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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