I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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