oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
