Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
