Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
