Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
