it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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