I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
