i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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