just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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