So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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