There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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