oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
