Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize