I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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