Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
