He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
