She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
