how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
