Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
