Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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