It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
