he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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