Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
