girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
