i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
