i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
