I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
