I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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