let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
