You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
