I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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