What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
