When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
