Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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