I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
