I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
