You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
