On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
