i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just had sex on a roof
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
