i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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