you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
