There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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