the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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