mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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