the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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