i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
