I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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