Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
