Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
