Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
