3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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