hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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