I'm lost and stupid without you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
