I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
